stone

what does one say,
when there is nothing to say
when the expressions well up on the inside,
but don't even have enough strength to make it out of parted lips
when one is simply too tired to live
when silence will not suffice,
but the words wont either
when angers are dull axes
hacking away at the inside of a mind
concussing blows
that will neither cease pounding away at that which holds them,
nor slice their home open and make their way out
free

these lines on my face
my soul's impotent rebellion

late

it is done
the beginning
has begun
and so we have ended
these juxtapositions
trite
there will be more
words
for now
this will suffice
i'm not well
but there is too late
and it will be
soon

one degree of separation

i would ask you why
you did it
but I cant
I couldn't even ask you
why you would
because I had no idea
you would
nor, it seems
did anyone else
now
there are only questions
a gaping hole
recently filled
with nothing at all

know

and before this all goes away
before you go away
know
that you were my beacon
you were my island
you were my door
you were my light
you were my window
you were my key
you were my paper
you were my mouth
you were my hands
you were my sign
you were my hope

he stands on the edge of the triangular shaped divide
where the road branches off into two
both going in the same direction
uptown
one to east side and one to the west
leaning forward
torward the oncoming traffic
he holds a weathered book in his hands
his breath makes strange shapes in the air
clouds
that hover for a moment
before being swooshed away by the hordes of cars flying by
there is no anger
serenity on a freezing concrete
and palpable belief
he paces back and forth
eyes shut tight
then wide open
the shut tight again

i'm transfixed
i wish it were simply
fixed

the machine

and when i only speak so that you can answer
i know that i love you more than i could ever imagine
more than i could hope to express
only to clench my fists and make a guttural sound
something animal
something primal
something
bordering on painful

it began with a single heartbeat
i wish i could say i knew
but sitting there
then
i knew that i didnt
know

a friday 55 - my first ever. be gentle.

Climbing out
Crawling
Grit
Scraping
Tears
Moist
Adjusting
Twitching
Still
Spent
Standing
Wobbly
Sniffing
Touching
Precipice
Steady
Steady
Steady
No pathos
No quarter
Quite Suddenly
Rising
Filling
Flowing
Out
And over
Forcefully
Past
Tremendous

Eyes
Clouds
Mist covered valley
Stars
Sand
Open
Knowing
Together
Broken
Chords
Broken
Harmonies
Broken wings
Dragging
Tears
Black
Ebbing
Free

blindness

i would say
no you cant
or
no you wont
or
no you wouldnt
or something like that
when you see the blackness
and the need
and the twisted black and silver wreckage
and you'll still say
you would

but you haven't seen

occam's razor

how many throats has it cut ?
how many wrists has it slit ?

time

your time
was another time
and now, another's time
and it's all taken
now
but you seem happy
to be possessed
so
what have i to say
this is your choice

we stood there together
the begining
knowing that when one made a decision
the other would follow
of that there was really no question
only the direction
and that made the choosing
less of a sentence

benevolence

the drum beats
in time
the melody
out of it
the drum stops
to give the melody a chance
to compose itself

it begins again
assured
synchopating

for you

i hope for you
and i hope
for you
for your sake i hope
for you
i hope
this will never sound right
and be everything
i intend for it to be

hiatus explained

first,
thank you all for your kind words
i really appreciate them

now the explanation

it got to be a bit overwhelming to think of things to post
and the ones that i did post had a certain tone that i wasn't thrilled with
and most importantly, what got overwhelming was finding myself feeling compelled to read everyone else's blogs and comment on them


so i am embarking on a new journey

i will try to;

write as often as i can
not feel guilty about the "down"
visit other's blogs as often as i can
de-pressurize myself

i'm going to try to let my blog be itself and let them fall where they may

so here's to a new day...

in the beginning

he was your desire
you made it so
made him so
in your image
a god
among gods
brutally so

brilliance

yep
plain and simple
this is what writing is supposed to look like
and do
and feel

enjoy

stuck here

sitting by the light
flickering
thoughts
trying to make it right
trying to make it sound like
you might want
to answer me

broken

running now
broken indeed
read
past tense
a warning
never heeded
tomorrow has stolen my light
so it's no surprise
borrowed
out of breath
i would believe
if i could
not falling
climbing down
hand over hand

this is not a post about another good song

though streets of philadelphia is definitely an example of one

this post is about more words
and here they are

*****************

and this is a sort of revenge
i know it is
and the need for it
more than it itself
makes me angry
but there is nothing else
to take its place
despite its leaving me
more empty
than empty

the sky

is burnin'
i believe my soul is on fire

i guess you can start here

then in the search box type in the words "bad company"
then click on the first bad company that shows up (the top one)
then scroll down and find "burning sky"
on the album entitled "merchants of cool"

this has been another public service announcement

a wish

i wish i could let go of you
today
because i know you have
of me
and all the praying
and the hoping
and all that shit
it hasnt changed a damned thing
you've killed me
and though i'm no fool
i've come back
a thousand times
and i'm tired
i'm so tired
but you wont let me let go
because it's yours
only yours
to give
and you dont
love me
you dont

brownsville girl - bob dylan - a public service

the song is "brownsville girl"
its by bob dylan
and its on the album entitled "knocked out loaded"

not everyone is a dylan fan
i understand this
hell, i'm not such a big dylan fan myself

but this song, it's something to listen to

oh c'mon
you dont have 4 minutes for me?
if you dont like it after 4 minutes you can shut it off.

i cant describe the melody because, well, you cant really describe a melody in words
but its really good
the backup singers are splendid

and now we get to the lyrics
i will reprint a few of them
if this isnt enough to whet your app petite, you can move along to something funnier and more insightful in bloggland

you know what? forget it
i'm gonna print the whole damned thing
you can read it if you want

***************************


Brownsville Girl
Well, there was this movie I seen one time,
About a man riding 'cross the desert and it starred Gregory Peck.
He was shot down by a hungry kid trying to make a name for himself.
The townspeople wanted to crush that kid down and string him up by the neck.
Well, the marshal, now he beat that kid to a bloody pulp
as the dying gunfighter lay in the sun and gasped for his last breath.
Turn him loose, let him go, let him say he outdrew me fair and square,
I want him to feel what it's like to every moment face his death.
Well, I keep seeing this stuff and it just comes a-rolling in
And you know it blows right through me like a ball and chain.
You know I can't believe we've lived so long and are still so far apart.
The memory of you keeps callin' after me like a rollin' train.
I can still see the day that you came to me on the painted desert
In your busted down Ford and your platform heels
I could never figure out why you chose that particular place to meet
Ah, but you were right. It was perfect as I got in behind the wheel.
Well, we drove that car all night into San Anton'
And we slept near the Alamo, your skin was so tender and soft.
Way down in Mexico you went out to find a doctor and you never came back.
I would have gone on after you but I didn't feel like letting my head get blown off.
Well, we're drivin' this car and the sun is comin' up over the Rockies,
Now I know she ain't you but she's here and she's got that dark rhythm in her soul.
But I'm too over the edge and I ain't in the mood anymore to remember the times when I was your only man
And she don't want to remind me. She knows this car would go out of control.
Brownsville girl with your Brownsville curls, teeth like pearls shining like the moon above
Brownsville girl, show me all around the world, Brownsville girl, you're my honey love.
Well, we crossed the panhandle and then we headed towards Amarillo
We pulled up where Henry Porter used to live.
He owned a wreckin' lot outside of town about a mile.
Ruby was in the backyard hanging clothes, she had her red hair tied back.
She saw us come rolling up in a trail of dust.
She said, "Henry ain't here but you can come on in, he'll be back in a little while."
Then she told us how times were tough and about how she was thinkin' of bummin' a ride back to where she started.
But ya know, she changed the subject every time money came up.
She said, "Welcome to the land of the living dead." You could tell she was so broken-hearted.
She said, "Even the swap meets around here are getting pretty corrupt."
"How far are y'all going?" Ruby asked us with a sigh.
"We're going all the way 'til the wheels fall off and burn,
'Til the sun peels the paint and the seat covers fade and the water moccasin dies."
Ruby just smiled and said, "Ah, you know some babies never learn."
Something about that movie though, well I just can't get it out of my head
But I can't remember why I was in it or what part I was supposed to play.
All I remember about it was Gregory Peck and the way people moved
And a lot of them seemed to be lookin' my way.
Brownsville girl with your Brownsville curls, teeth like pearls shining like the moon above
Brownsville girl, show me all around the world, Brownsville girl, you're my honey love.
Well, they were looking for somebody with a pompadour.
I was crossin' the street when shots rang out.
I didn't know whether to duck or to run, so I ran.
"We got him cornered in the churchyard," I heard somebody shout.
Well, you saw my picture in the Corpus Christi Tribune. Underneath it, it said, "A man with no alibi."
You went out on a limb to testify for me, you said I was with you.
Then when I saw you break down in front of the judge and cry real tears,
It was the best acting I saw anybody do.
Now I've always been the kind of person that doesn't like to trespass but sometimes you just find yourself over the line.
Oh if there's an original thought out there, I could use it right now.
You know, I feel pretty good, but that ain't sayin' much. I could feel a whole lot better,
If you were just here by my side to show me how.
Well, I'm standin' in line in the rain to see a movie starring Gregory Peck,
Yeah, but you know it's not the one that I had in mind.
He's got a new one out now, I don't even know what it's about
But I'll see him in anything so I'll stand in line.
Brownsville girl with your Brownsville curls, teeth like pearls shining like the moon above
Brownsville girl, show me all around the world, Brownsville girl, you're my honey love.
You know, it's funny how things never turn out the way you had 'em planned.
The only thing we knew for sure about Henry Porter is that his name wasn't Henry Porter.
And you know there was somethin' about you baby that I liked that was always too good for this world
Just like you always said there was something about me you liked that I left behind in the French Quarter.
Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than people who are most content.
I don't have any regrets, they can talk about me plenty when I'm gone.
You always said people don't do what they believe in, they just do what's most convenient, then they repent.
And I always said, "Hang on to me, baby, and let's hope that the roof stays on."
There was a movie I seen one time, I think I sat through it twice.
I don't remember who I was or where I was bound.
All I remember about it was it starred Gregory Peck, he wore a gun and he was shot in the back.
Seems like a long time ago, long before the stars were torn down.
Brownsville girl with your Brownsville curls, teeth like pearls shining like the moon above
Brownsville girl, show me all around the world, Brownsville girl, you're my honey love.

looking back

you never write
you never visit
you never call
there is nothing
so empty
as a mirror

thus far

singing a song
about grace
and being found
and all the while
looking more lost
than i
thought possible
on this earth
and later
i thought
that maybe
he wasnt

away

for me, it's always been the last lines
this time it's the first two



i am away
my eyes are lost
i know this
what could be
isnt necessarily what should be
i have lived
long enough
to know this
but it is what could be
in the realm of possible
and for this
i cry

buysexual

a friend of mine was reading a book. (claire voyant - saralee rosenberg. must give credit where it is due.)
i cant tell you what its about
i dont know, and i didnt ask
but she laughed out loud
so of course i asked what was funny
so she said that a character in the book said of another that she was bisexual

2nd person: what?!
1st person: yeah. as long as i'd buy things for her, she was sexual.

now, if i was actually reading the book, i wouldnt admit to it
no matter how good the line was
but i wasnt
so i can blog about it while still keeping my manliness

mad lib

i jogged for ____ minutes today during which time i covered ___ miles and thus burned ____ calories.

i say, why bother filling it in at all?

ok. this week wasnt as bad as a three month dry spell i had for the months of october november and december.
yes
i should be ashamed of myself
you are right
but i successfully convinced myself that it was too cold outside
and it was

now i go to a place with lots of exercise equipment strewn around
i forget what it's called
at a rather ungodly hour
and it's still very cold outside

its the almonds i tell you!

and i love jim croce
i'm just throwing it in there

more swearing

i would swear, on most things holy, that i used to think that the handicapped sign on the bathroom door was telling everyone what was supposed to be done in that room.
specifically, i thought it was a crude drawing of a toilet.
and i wondered why they had to tell people what to do in there.
like any of us thought "hey! i wonder if thats the door to the carnival!"

now many alert readers (to borrow a phrase from dave barry) would ask me why i didnt wonder why that same sign was in parking lots all over the place
and i have no good answer
and no. i didnt think that they were suggesting that everyone drop trou and do their thing right in front of your local supermarket
i guess i just didnt put two and two together
they thought i was bright back in the day
little did they know....

ghosts

they had a name
when they were alive
how does it disappear
so quickly
i entertained the thought
many times
of forgetting
but it doesnt go away
i push the button
the bell rings
and down i go
and all that ends well
is not well

ha. ha. ha.

i wrote this a while back
it was the end of a relationship
it surprises me in terms of its upbeat tone
whatever
i'll take the upbeat tone
i can use it

**********************

and if there really is no place for us
thats alright
and surprisingly
i find that i am at peace with that
given the choice again
i would choose
the same
and i am the reason
this time
an aberration
but i haven't stopped growing
and this seems tot be part of the process
mostly introspective
and it's turning out to be not that bad a place after all
maybe it never really was

yeterday's news

the obituary is a few weeks too late
but that time has afforded me a luxury
i have read what others have written
and the grief has had time to ferment and mature
and it has settled itself in a fashion
what i have arrived at may sound no different
indeed, it may not be different at all
but my eyes are tearing as i write
so i know i'm still there

staring at the keyboard wont get me a title. ok. i'm leaving this space blank.

and though i both tire and despair
i am back where i began
with less determination
less hope
sleep will elude me
as it does
but hopefully for only a short while longer
and so i dedicate this time to you
to us
to freedom from the future
and at this juncture
where there is nothing left but tomorrow
i join with you
in quiet celebration
of yesterday

word verifications

so mine was "resturb"
i wonder if that's being disturbed yet again...

anyway...

this is diane
you should go visit her and see what all the hype is about
yes. it's all related.

***************

the questions
asked
wordlessly
to another
chosen
tired
nameless
defeated
proud
nowhere
hurt
hungry
still
tired
out
of order
these are the answers

something worth considering...

no i wasn't paid for this
it is a public service announcement
out of the kindness of my heart

stop snickering dammit!

blue diamond makes various flavored almonds
i tasted the smokehouse ones (and they are worth looking into)
but that was before i met the wasabi and soy sauce almonds
ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner

wow

something more upbeat

hooray!



i sat on top of the slide last night
thinking
that if places have energy
this would be a most joyous place
this would be a place of dreams
and that in the evenings
out of the sight
of the ever-watchful probing eye
they roam free
in little pink sundresses and little tan shorts
so i slid down and wiped wiped off the day's rain
and made room for the prophets of tomorrow